Can't

possibilitas est metaphysica, vel physica, vel moralis

 
I can't move on, and I can't stay here.
I can't be excited about God, but I can't not cling to Him.
I can't see—really see—how the hope we believe in surpasses what I had, yet I can't abandon hope.
I can't let go of the suffering, and I can't be thankful for it.

I can't go back into society, yet I can't be an island.
I can't talk, and I can't be silent.
I can't live in the past, and I can't care much about the present or the future.
I can't see much reason for daily action beyond duty, but I can't abandon duty.
I can't find—or seek—joy of any depth, but I can't refuse the surface presentation of it.
I can't focus on this all the time, but I can't not want to focus on this all the time.

I can't be without Heidi, and I can't be with Heidi.
I can't imagine life without her, but I can't be with her in life.
I can't remember our days without mostly bitter bittersweet, but I can't not remember.
I can't not be thankful for what we had, but I can't be thankful for what we had without renewed pain.
I can't look at her pictures without tears, but I can't not look at her pictures, daily.

I can't see. I can't see. I can't see.

Nequeo. Where's the open window?

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. AnonymousMarch 10, 2023 at 3:53 AM

    Continued prayers dear child of God that peace will bless your family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousMarch 10, 2023 at 5:42 AM

    We are here with you in your grief.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousMarch 10, 2023 at 6:00 AM

    Keep saying “I can”, “I can”, “I can” even though you don’t feel it! Eventually “you can”! You’re not “abandoning” Heidi or her memory. No one expects “overnight” that you can “move on”, but God has blessed you with 5 beautiful “parts”of her.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousMarch 10, 2023 at 7:15 AM

    So many prayers for you Kevin!

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousMarch 10, 2023 at 9:07 AM

    Dear brother-in-Christ: Yes you can and you already have. Even 'going through the motions' to care for your children during this time of raw emotion is a form of movement.

    Movement does not mean you no longer grieve deeply for Heidi. Movement does not mean you no longer love Heidi.

    Grief is very heavy and has no one-size-fits-all timetable. For many there may be lighter days followed by days where the weight of grief hits hard. It's a form of great suffering.

    I don't think we ever 'move on' from the loss of a loved one. We only 'move with'. Or try to. It may take weeks, months, or years of tiny baby steps. There may be steps forward followed by leaps back. The ebb and flow of grief is a real thing. Maybe because the love for someone we've lost never ends and so we always miss them and that's always with us. Maybe your love for Heidi is that open window.

    Be patient with yourself. You are in the midst of one of the most stressful losses known to humans. And God is with you even during the times you don't feel His presence.

    Continued prayers for you and your family,
    Anne

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousMarch 10, 2023 at 8:57 PM

    Praying for you Dr. Keiser.

    It strikes me that this writing is fulfilling some of your “can’ts” that seem to contradict. Isn’t writing a way to both not talk and not be silent? Isn’t it a way to not be around everyone and not be an island?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KevinMarch 13, 2023 at 11:00 AM

      You're right. That is a good point.

      Delete
  7. AnonymousMarch 16, 2023 at 9:32 PM

    Praying for you Kevin and I know you know that with God you can! And leaning on him is all part of grieving. Be patient and kind with yourself- your love for Heidi is evident is all your writings. You can love her and still put one foot in front of the other.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousMarch 26, 2023 at 4:55 PM

    Kevin, I felt a word from the HS in Adoration about a week ago for you, and another friend of mine who recently lost her spouse (side note: your blog is such a blessing to her. Your words speak so much of what she feels even though she’s a bit ahead of you in the journey). Anyway it was regarding your “not being married anymore” since we aren’t given that way in Heaven as our Lord has said. The thing is you’re not both in Heaven yet and since you’ve been knit together as one flesh in an unbreakable covenant, well you’re not at that point yet. You’re still here. So I think you have every right to feel you are still married without any conflict in our faith. You can be married until you die. And then sure it’ll all probably be redundant in the Beautific vision. But for now? I say cling to your bride as needed. I’m sure she doesn’t mind a bit. Pax et bonum.

    ReplyDelete

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