Gratitude

 Lewis began his reflections more than a month after the death of his spouse. He was in the thick of it.

I am starting a bit earlier. But I also have some catch-up to do. In reality, the deep grief is the most recent part of my experience, the experience of these latter days. My initial feelings in all of this were not so dark. Gratitude went first. That may sound strange, but so many people were helping me and supporting me while Heidi was in the hospital, that much of my time was filled with gratitude—even in the time when I knew Heidi's condition was one from which we would all never recover.

And so, to be as accurate as possible, these reflections should begin there. Some of these posts will not reflect so much my daily bread of tears (Ps. 80:5), but more my memory of the early stages. Gratitude went first.

And so, to my family: Thank you all so much for the support you have given me. To Heidi's side of the family: I am so sorry that you lost a wonderful daughter, a wise sister, a caring cousin, a lovely niece. I am so sorry that it happened "on my watch", so to speak. My sense of loss is compounded by imagining what you all must be going through. But you have done nothing but show me such great support. Mom and Dad were there those first days, supporting me in the hospital, and then watching the kids. Then they continued to give me great counsel. Betsy and Mark opened their home to me and the kids—and then to all my siblings, too!—and gave me so much counsel and support (which they continue to do). Dan and Joe took me in as I shed my tears. Many of you wrote such wonderful things about Heidi on the CaringBridge. I know she was so loved so much by all of you. Barb, Shelley, and Jeff, I thank you for your words of consolation to me at the wake and at the funeral. To my own siblings: thank you for making it out here and being there for me and my children. Geoff and Anthony were so generous with funds, Sr. Mary Barbara and Father Frederick were so generous with time and childcare (a priest and a nun taking care of children all over the Twin Cities metro!). Colin's entertaining of the crowd of cousins and Hayley's support for Monica... all of these I am thankful for. I am so glad I have so many siblings. Several of you have said "You would have done the same for me." That is true as far as the heart goes, but not as true as far as the creativity. There are things you have done for me in these days that I would not have thought of. Thank you. To my uncles and aunts: thank you for your phone calls and gifts and kind words on the various forums.

To Providence Academy: There could be no better place to be employed at a time like this. Your charity has been amazing. To my bosses, I thank you for your overwhelming flexibility and concern. To Father McClellan: thank you for giving Heidi the sacrament of Extreme Unction. To my colleagues: I know many of you have made great sacrifices for me. I know you continue to do so. I will never be able to express how thankful I am. You have provided me the space to be with Heidi in her illness and last days. And you are giving me time to figure out life, to grieve, and to regain my strength. I am simply overwhelmed by your charity. On that first day when I reached out to you all, I was so overwhelmed by your prayers and the constant chain of Chaplets. The Catholic Christianity of the school shined so brightly, and continues to do so. Thank you, those of you who visited me and called me. Every word was comforting. To my students and alumni: thank you for your patience, your prayers, your understanding, your support. I want to particularly thank those who showed their solidarity either by commenting on the GoFundMe or the CaringBridge, or by reaching out through email. These were particularly powerful. Thank you so much. Alumnae of St. Cecilia Academy, this applies to you, too. I guess I did not know how much I was loved.

To the doctors and nurses of S7 ICU at North Memorial Hospital: Thank you so much for your investedness in Heidi: the lengths to which you went. Thank you also for your support for me. You are the best ICU in the world. I particularly want to thank you for the details: talking to Heidi, braiding her hair, being so gentle when it was time to turn her. Thank you also for your support for me. Several of you took so much time to talk to me, to hear me out. Many of you shared your faith with me. Many of you gave gifts to me and my children. You were all so caring. To those who saw Heidi in the emergency room, but then sought me out and told me about her time there: thank you so much. Your efforts were especially touching.

To St. Maximillian Kolbe parish: Thank you all for your continuing kindness: providing meals for my family, reaching out, offering emotional support. Thank you, Fr. Kyle, for walking down this road with my family, for the homily of January 14, and for the funeral.

To VIA and the Corpus Christi Homeschool group: Thank you for all you have done and for your kind words. They are not unnoticed, even if I have not responded to all of them. Thanks, too, for being there for my kids, who crave normal as much as possible.

To all the people who have donated, commented, shared, and prayed. I am so thankful. I do not understand what is happening, but people have been so kind. Many of you have told me about how this whole experience has brought communities together. You have told me of how communities have changed: there is a before and an after in the community spirit and faith-life. Many, also, have shared how Heidi's reflections and life inspired them and even changed their lives. For these accounts, too, I am thankful. While it remains so difficult to accept the evil that has happened, any good that has been done is alleviating to the pain.

I, too, have been inspired by Heidi's reflections and the impact of her life. But it is so hard to put her words into practice.