Another Grief Observed

 Lewis began his reflections more than a month after the death of his spouse. He was in the thick of it. I am starting a bit earlier. But I also have some catch-up to do. In reality, the deep grief is the most recent part of my experience, the experience of these latter days. My initial feelings in all of this were not so dark. Gratitude went first. That may sound strange, but so many people were helping me and supporting me while Heidi was in the hospital, that much of my time was filled with gratitude—even in the time when I knew Heidi's condition was one from which we would all never recover. And so, to be as accurate as possible, these reflections should begin there. Some of these posts will not reflect so much my daily bread of tears (Ps. 80:5), but more my memory of the early stages. Gratitude went first. And so, to my family: Thank you all so much for the support you have given me. To Heidi's side of the family : I am so sorry that you lost a wonderful daughter, a wise s...

 My first post smacked of self-pity. That will happen sometimes. Following Lewis's example (more on that later), I am going to make explicit attempts to get outside myself as well in this forum. Let me begin by posting the tribute to Heidi I wrote on the day of her death, January 14. It was originally on the CaringBridge , but I don't know if it will stay there forever. And it is good to begin at the beginning: Rest in peace Heidi Laurelle Fenton Keiser was born on July 8, 1979 to Charles "Chuck" Fenton and Karen Tetzloff Fenton, the oldest of their three daughters. She lived her childhood in Ypsilanti, MI, and went to Huron High in Ann Arbor, MI. She studied Anthropology and Sociology at the University of Michigan. Always a deep thinker who took her faith very seriously, Heidi began studying theology at Sacred Heart Seminary in Detroit. Wanting to pursue an eventual pontifical degree, she went to the Angelicum in Rome, Italy, for the intensive one year propaedeutic p...

To all who have been praying for me and my family, supporting me and my family, wondering about me and my family, I apologize for my radio silence up to now. In the beginning, I just needed the silence and the time to be absorbed in grief. Please know that I am very grateful for all that you all have done. My silence does not signify annoyance or ingratitude. As many of you have mentioned, a new stage now begins. The funeral is over; most have gone home. All must continue to lead their normal lives. We (my family and I) try. But "normal" is not coming back for us. After the gracious hospitality of the Archibalds, we moved back to our home in Rockford to begin to figure out a new normal. And that brings a whole new stage of grief. The kids seem to be doing fine. I am amazed at their resilience. They are so good . But the return has been very hard for me. So many thoughts, so much sadness. And denial. I see it in me. This can't really be happening. At some point, my Heidi w...